Poem to Myself
by OrangeGirlExplosion
Summary: Just because he always smiles, doesn't mean he's always happy.


Disclaimer: I'm so poor….

A/N: This is from CP POV in the center of the earth where he recharges, or sleeps, or lives, or whatever he does down there! The point that's being made here is: even the people who never frown eventually break down. So read, enjoy, archive, review, flame, whatever. 

The song lyrics just sort of fit together while I was listening to it one day. The song belongs to Taproot. Go buy their CD.

" The power is yours!!"

_Tch. Yeah, but the pain is still mine. _

_What? You're surprised? _

_Being a super hero doesn't make you immune to pain. Well, not all pain. I suppose I can't complain too much. I've never been shot. Well, with actual bullets. I've only been punched once successfully. Any other attempts were left with broken knuckles and fingers. I've never been stabbed. I've never been mugged or raped. I've never been beaten badly. I've never broken a bone. And I've never had to have anything removed. _

_But I have died. _

_Many, many times. _

_Over all the years I've been doing this, I've learned one thing:_

_Empathy sucks._

_Besides the fact that I can't hurt any of the eco-villains without hurting myself, I have my reasons. It would just be so easy to deal with them by crashing a huge tidal wave on them…_

_No, that's too easy. _

_Maybe spewing lava right out from under them…_

_No, that's too messy. _

_Maybe I could leave them with all the animals they leave without homes or dump chemicals and experiment on…_

_Nah, that's also too messy. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Besides the fights with the villains, the other thing that makes empathy suck, not that it needs another reason is the dying._

_No, not my dying. The dying of everything around me. Take for instance the whole whale/shark-hunting thing. Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to a baby whale why their mother isn't moving anymore? _

_Or to a mother whale that their child is dead because humans decided to kill it? And convince them that not all humans are evil so they don't go on a killing spree of their own? _

_Then of course, there's the actual dying. The rush of panic and fear. That bombards me every single day. Their screaming, their cries of agony and frantic tries to stay alive. A shark shrieking in my mind because it can't breathe from a cut off dorsal fin. Asking what's happening to it, why it's dying, why it has to die, why it can't breathe anymore, why it can't swim anymore, why they are drowning._

_I hate drowning. At least in hunting it's quick and painless. I feel like I can't breathe too. Like water's rushing into my lungs and I can't get any oxygen. The sinking feeling comes next, then the feeling of being trapped and knowing that this is it. _

_And feeling their bodies shut down and their lives end.   _

_The pain eventually goes away, but it always comes back. The more animals that are dead, the stronger the pain. Sometimes it hits when they die, sometimes it hits when I clean up all the bodies. The Planeteers say I've spaced out a few times. _

_Can't be helped. Sometimes I have to stop and sort out all the voices in my head to figure out which one belongs to me. Other times I'm not even sure I am alive anymore. _

_All the death around me is intoxicating. All my senses go numb, I stop breathing for a little while, I get tunnel vision and then I can't see anything at all. I can't see or feel anything. _

_I wouldn't dare tell the kids this. They'd worry. I have keep my thoughts separate from Ma-ti's or he'll be in too much pain too. Huh, if he's see all the things I have, he'd break done in tears. _

_But they can't know. So I won't let them know. You'd think they'd see through this fake smile I paste on my face every time. Guess I'm a much better actor than I thought. _

_As for the shark-hunting ordeal, I should have let that shark eat Argos Bleak. I should have. I wanted to, but I didn't. I started to drop him back in the water. I intended to drop him there and leave him. But Gaia reminded me of something:_

_That would be murder. And murderers, they're felons. And felons can't be super heroes. Well, not very good ones. _

_Had anyone else said something, I would have ignored them and just complied with the tingling in my fingers to just drop the killer back in the shark-infested waters. But she feels the same pain I do. She's the reason I'm in all this pain in the first place, but it's all-voluntary. _

_If I didn't endure this she would. And I'd rather not have the spirit of the Earth in so much pain when I could do something about it. It's the boy-next-door in me. That plus I love her. _

_There I said it. The L-word. _

_That's all the mush you're getting out of me. _

_You want warm and mushy love confessions? Go watch the last episode of some miscellaneous anime. Otaku love that stuff. But that's off center. _

_I think I'm about recharged now. They'll be calling me out again any minute now. I know they love me and need me but it's damned annoying to be called on when you just get comfortable. It's like getting out from under a heat blanket to go get the mail in December. _

_My favorite song just came on the radio too. Yeah, I can hear it from in here. Eh, I'll just listen in on someone's CD somewhere. Time to paste on the smile and dish out the bad jokes from Wheeler's personality. Somebody needs to write that boy new material……_

_Oh well….. _

_*Ore no deban da ze. _

" By your powers combine, I am Captain Planet!!"

**__**
    
    **_Overbearing panic attack entrenching my veins_**
    
    **_In an hour I'll be ok_**
    
    **_I pray this pain will go away permanently someday_**
    
    **_I'VE seen more than..._**
    
    **_I should have to..._**
    
    **_I'VE seen this on my own_**
    
    ****
    
    **_This song is a,_**
    
    **_Poem to myself,_**
    
    **_It helps me to live..._**
    
    **_In case of fire,_**
    
    **_BREAK the glass,_**
    
    **_And move on into your own..._**
    
    ****
    
    **_Reoccurring drowning effect entrenching my brain,_**
    
    **_I hope you'll be ok someday,_**
    
    **_So I can say that you moved on in the right way..._**
    
    **_WE'VE seen this and_**
    
    **_WE'VE breathed this and_**
    
    **_WE'VE lived this on our own..._**
    
    ****
    
    **_This song is a,_**
    
    **_Poem to myself,_**
    
    **_It helps me to live..._**
    
    **_In case of fire,_**
    
    **_BREAK the glass,_**
    
    **_And move on into your own..._**
    
    **_Your own..._**
    
    ****
    
    **_BREAK..._**
    
    ****
    
    **_This song is a,_**
    
    **_Poem to myself,_**
    
    **_It helps me to live..._**
    
    **_In case of fire,_**
    
    **_BREAK the glass,_**

**_And move on into your own..._**

*Ore no deban da ze-It's my turn. 


End file.
